THE CAT MAN COMETH

by Steve Clem on October 27, 2013

Catman1I’ve thrown in the proverbial towel on the online dating life. After seven years of being very on and off again with Plenty of Fish (POF), a free dating website, I can most definitely confirm that it is true: you get what you pay for.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I’ve had NO luck on POF. I dated Macey, whom I met when I first got on POF, for over a year. Though the relationship ended, we remain incredible friends to this day, and even have a bet in place on our dating luck.

And I’ve had some really great first dates, a few great second dates, and still fewer dates that ended up being good friends down the road.

But since my latest attempt to return to POF this summer, I’ve decided enough is enough. The last two people I met there turned into a dynamic duo of dating death. So rather than changing my profile content and continuing to try to attract the Right One, I decided to become the Cat Man.catman6

It started out innocently enough. A conversation amongst Facebook friends regarding my dating woes led me jokingly to conclude that I’d be better off getting more cats. From there, I posted a few photoshopped pictures that my friend Wally had done of me with cats. And then others found various catman4cat photos that they thought would be perfect for my profile, and well . . . the rest just happened.

I deleted the novel I’d written for the “About Me” section and used my writing skills to come up with this dandy of a profile:

HEADLINE: Cats are proof that God loves us.

ABOUT ME:
Every time I have a bad date on this site, I go to the local animal shelter and adopt another kitty cat.

I’m up to 23 cats now, if you count Jingles (who I had before I opened my profile).

It’s not just me that wants the cats. The voices in my head want them, too.

My landlord is getting tired of this. If I don’t find a good woman soon, I may be living on the street.

It’s also taking a toll on my job. It’s hard to concentrate when I’m up all night scooping kitty litter and refilling troughs of cat chow.

But even if I end up jobless and homeless without a good woman by my side, I’ll totally have my cats. And that’s something you can’t take away from me without an injunction from a judge.

What should you take away from my profile?
1. I have my own place.
2. I have a job.
3. I have a twisted sense of humor.

So go ahead. Give me another bad date. I dare you. That’s just one more cat for me to love.

WHAT TO DO ON THE FIRST DATE: You can come meet my cats.

catman2Now, you might think this new profile content would make women run for the hills. That’s what I expected. But surprisingly, I’m now getting more attention than ever. Mind you, I’ve given up on the site, so now my interactions aren’t intended to land a date, but to create an interesting conversation — like the first email I received after the new profile content went up.catman5

Ironically, it was Midget Date Girl who messaged me, though I’m convinced she didn’t know it was me. Here’s how the conversation went:

Midget Date Girl: Are you serious about these cats???
Me: You don’t like cats?
Midget Date Girl: I have 1 cat, but I think 23 is just too many for 1 household.
Me: Well, I live in a ranch house. So it’s meant for large numbers of animals. But I’m working on finding new homes for a few of them. The biters.
Midget Date Girl: Well, good luck with that.

Another interaction went like this:

Cat Lover 22: Your profile scares me and makes me laugh, but mostly scares me. Maybe everyone should adopt an animal every time they have a bad date?
Me: Have you ever rescued an animal before?
Cat Lover 22: Not from a shelter, but the three cats I have now all were strays who ‘adopted’ me.
Me: No, I mean have you ever rescued an animal from a tree? Snowball has climbed to the top of my tree and I can’t get her down.
Cat Lover 22: Maybe you should try calling the fire department?
Me: I really need to get the squirrel problem under control first — they torment my kitty cats.

She then proceeded to block me from further communication.

catman3So I’ve already picked out my Halloween costume for this year. That’s right kids . . . I’m Cat Man.

Meow and Purr,
The Prisoner

* * * *

Steve Clem is a divorced dad, a recovering Republican, and a Prisoner in the Tundra. He is in The Guinness Book of World Records for being part of the largest Hokey Pokey of all time. He was the founding editor of the Iowa City weekly The ICON and is a contributing editor of The Spleen.

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

gina October 30, 2013 at 1:07 am

Cute. I love you and your purrrfect sense of humour. 😉

Reply

Steve Clem October 30, 2013 at 1:09 am

Thank you G. 😀

Reply

leah katherine November 23, 2013 at 2:01 am

All good thing come in time,sorry for your pof misfortune,dont be discourged,I’m sure romance will find you sooner than later.

Reply

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