TRIXIE KITSCH: BAD ADVICE FOR THE STUPID, 4/9/12

by Trixie Kitsch on April 9, 2012

DEAR TRIXIE:
I know next to nothing about wine, but at a recent dinner for six, the host asked me to choose the wine. There were eight different bottles of all brands of wine, and I had no idea what to do. I picked red wine — not knowing what we were being served for dinner. It turned out to be chicken, and I was mortified. What should I have done differently?
—Carl on Caledonia

Dear Carl:
How dare they serve chicken when you’re drinking red wine! I’ve discovered in situations like yours, it’s best to pick the one with the highest alcohol content. It may not go with the meal but after two or three glasses, you won’t really care.

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DEAR TRIXIE:
I recently had a married couple visit from out of town. We had a wonderful weekend! On Monday I received a bouquet of flowers. Do I have to thank her for her thank-you gift?
—Wendy on Westridge

Dear Wendy On Westridge:
Yes, you do. And then she must send a thank-you card thanking you for your thank-you card for her thank-you flowers. This is how true friendships are properly maintained.

* * * *

DEAR TRIXIE:
My sister-in-law just asked me why I haven’t worn the sweater she gave me. I dodged the question because I didn’t want to tell her the truth: it was ugly, and I gave it to my cleaning lady. I just know she’ll ask me again. What should I do?
—Prada Girl

Dear Prada Girl:
Lie, lie and keep on lying. Studies have shown the bigger the lie the more believable it will be. Tell her you were driving down the street and suddenly the car in front of you burst into flames. As the driver staggered from the burning vehicle you leaped from your car and beat the flames into submission with your new sweater. This story will only work if you live in a large city or if your sister-in-law lives in another state. She may not believe you, but it will most likely be the last time she gives you anything.

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DEAR TRIXIE:
I just received an invitation to a good friend’s wedding. How do I know if it’s okay to bring my girlfriend?
—Mac on McCormick

Dear Mac:
There are two ways to determine the answer to your question. First, did your girlfriend ever sleep with any member of the wedding party — and that includes both bride and groom and their parents. If the answer is no, then look on the front of the envelope you received and see if it says, “… and guest.” You may bring her.

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DEAR TRIXIE:
I have a legally issued handicap plate on my car and make good use of the specially designated spaces when I park. You would not believe how many people make rude comments because I don’t look “handicapped.” It’s none of their business what kind of handicap I have. Just because I am not in a wheelchair does not mean I am faking an injury.
—No Names Please

Dear No Name:
Do what I do. On even numbered days I bark and swear while blinking wildly. On odd days I limp and stagger. Try to look at this as a daily exercise in public performance art.

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Trixie Kitsch is the nom de plume for Lisa Agnes Hammer. She was born in 1961 in Dubuque, Iowa, and studied fiction writing and fine art at The University of Iowa. Her writings have been published in “The L. A. Weekly,” “The Icon” and “Julien’s Journal.” Her first book, “Dear Trixie: Bad Advice for the Stupid,” was published in May of 2011 by Gasogene Press.

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Bill Wells June 8, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Hey Lisa I think about you a lot. Perennial soldier still hangs on the wall! Bill Wells

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