DEAR TRIXIE: NO HOT ITALIAN BEEF IN DUBUQUE

by Trixie Kitsch on February 13, 2012

BAD ADVICE FOR THE STUPID

 

DEAR TRIXIE:
My friend gets really good grades. The problem is that she cheats. I’ve seen her do it. She laughs and brags about it later. I’m afraid to tell the teacher because my friend would never forgive me and nobody else will want to be my friend because I’m a snitch. I never thought 7th grade would be so hard.
—Courtney on Cleveland

Dear Courtney:
As you children get older you will realize that the concept of “Right or Wrong” is highly over-rated. You will learn that when you go to business school. People with the best grades get into the best colleges. People who graduate from the best colleges get the best paying jobs. People with the best jobs are those who make the most money. Cheating is an important life skill you must master if you want to be a success in the adult world. How can you expect to manage a Fortune 500 corporation, a banking institute or hold public office?

* * * *

DEAR TRIXIE:
As a young boy in Chicago I used to love those hot Italian pepper-and-beef sandwiches that the street vendors sold. No one in Dubuque serves them. I have asked at every restaurant, and the answer is always “no.” I am at that age when an old man remembers fondly the pleasures of his youth. Can you give me a simple recipe so I can make them at home?
—Sentimental Sid

Dear Sentimental Sid:
No.

* * * *

DEAR TRIXIE:
My daughter is 11, and her mother tells me she has started her period. She’ll be 12 on Saturday. Last birthday I got her a Barbie Dream Condo and a set of Laura Ingalls Wilder books. Now she’s
menstruating?!! What has happened to my baby girl?
—Stunned and Saddened

Dear Stunned:
Your baby girl is cramping and sloughing off superfluous uterine tissue. Accept it and move forward. For her birthday buy her a pink sparkly Fendi bag and a quart of chocolate Häagen Dazs.

* * * *

DEAR TRIXIE:
Last Saturday I stopped in a bar on Central Avenue and there were kids running around crying and fussing! This was after 11 P.M., and their mother seemed completely oblivious! Bars are no places for kids! Don’t you agree?
—Richard on Roosevelt

Dear Richard:
I agree! Children should not be permitted to drink in taverns. Alcohol tends to make them cranky and unmanageable. It also has a tendency to annoy other people who are drinking to forget that they have their own children.

* * * *

DEAR TRIXIE:
Me and my two buddies from the Beta House want to do something totally radical—something nobody in this frat house has ever done. We were thinking tattoos or nipple piercings— but that was done already. Our problem is we can’t think of any new ways to look cool. Can you help us?
—Colton, Travis and Zak

Dear Colton et al:
Have you ever heard of trepanning? It is an ancient medical procedure designed to relieve swelling in the brain after a head injury. Simply bore a hole the size of a .50 cent piece in the skull and remove the circular bone disc. These could be made into money clips or worn as a medallion on a chain. You could throw
“trepanning” parties where guests drink beer and hit each other in the head with cricket bats to bring about a subdural hematoma. The last man standing wins.

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Trixie Kitsch is the nom de plume for Lisa Agnes Hammer. She was born in 1961 in Dubuque, Iowa, and studied fiction writing and fine art at The University of Iowa. Her writings have been published in “The L. A. Weekly,” “The Icon” and “Julien’s Journal.” Her first book, “Dear Trixie: Bad Advice for the Stupid,” was published in May of 2011 by Gasogene Press.

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