by Trixie Kitsch on February 6, 2012

I have a friend who is a real jerk. He treats everyone with contempt and generally acts like a big shot. He makes good money, but so do a lot of people and they don’t act like royalty. I’ve known this guy since high school – about 20 years. I’d be happier if he’d never call me again, but we have been such casual friends for so long, I can’t see myself dumping him in any easy way. What can you recommend?
—Steve B. Class of ’89

Dear Steve:
The quickest way to wreck a friendship is to borrow a large sum of money and make no attempt to pay it back. Then borrow his car and drive it through his house at a high rate of speed.

 * * * *

My sister has a 6-year-old daughter and has had two marriages, two divorces and now has a new boyfriend. Since her daughter was born, she has lived in 12 different homes or apartments. I think it’s poor parenting. What do you think?
—Concerned Uncle

Dear Uncle:
I think you’re wrong. A child can never learn of the impermanence of life early enough. Anger, cynicism and loss are the best gifts a child can receive. Taking away a beloved toy or insisting the child sleep in a box in the yard are two important ways to condition a child. Television, games and treats should never be given to a child, lest it warp its view of life.

* * * *

My ex-boyfriend took out two loans in my name and left the state. He also cheated on me and gave me a sexually transmitted disease before absconding with my 19-year-old daughter. I feel so stupid and angry. Can you tell me why people like this are even born?
—Furious On Fremont

Dear Furious:
God, in his infinite wisdom, has placed people like this on earth for a reason. They can be successfully used as organ donors and human shields. Suck it up and move forward. In the future, try not to be such an idiot.

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A group of us spend our lunch hour at Washington Park. It used to be a peaceful interlude in our busy day, but lately we have been harassed by an unknown mime. He just showed up one day making crazy mime gestures and scary faces at us, and he won’t stop. We’ve asked him countless times, but he acts like he can’t hear us. We’ve changed our lunch hour, but it’s almost as if he’s stalking us! The police say they can’t do anything since he hasn’t threatened or assaulted us. What can we do? We’d like to shoot him.
—4 Secretaries With Handguns

Dear Secretaries:
Use a silencer.

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