by Trixie Kitsch on July 9, 2012

I’ve been dating this guy for about two months, and usually he’s a perfect gentleman. Lately, though, he’s been showing up on my doorstep and not-so-subtly trying to initiate sex. Then he sulks and whines and pouts when he doesn’t get his way. Is this his idea of romance?

—Spy In The House of Love

Dear Spy:
No, foreplay.

* * * *

I need to lose 93 pounds. Can you give me some low-calorie recipes?
—Big Gal

Dear Big Gal:

* * * *

I am such a loser. Every time I get involved with a man, he treats me cruelly and then dumps me. I don’t like to be treated this way, but since I keep recreating the same unhealthy patterns, perhaps I subconsciously like it. What gives?
—Elaine On Elm

Dear Elaine:
Your self-esteem is critically low, and deep inside, you do not believe you deserve to be happy. So you choose relationships that will self-destruct to prove to yourself that you do not deserve any form of happiness. If I were you, I’d kill myself.

* * * *

I am single, female, and 32 years old. I still live at home. My job is dull and my salary is not great. I am a spirit-filled Christian. I pray; I read my Bible; I go to church. I feel somehow unfulfilled, and it seems like my life is going nowhere. I have prayed to God for guidance, but He hasn’t responded. Please give me some hope, Trixie.
—Yours In Christ

Dear Yours:
It’s a known fact that people who worship Satan have terrific lives. Their jobs are exciting, and they have better sex.

* * * *

My newborn twins are going to put me in the poorhouse! The amount of formula they drink each day is incredible! I never thought having a family would be so expensive. Even using those budget diapers, I’m going through a box a day! Do you know how much those things cost? Help!
—New Parent

Dear New Parent:
No, I really don’t. But I do know that if you don’t feed them, they won’t use nearly as many diapers.

* * * *
Trixie Kitsch is the nom de plume for Lisa Agnes Hammer. She was born in 1961 in Dubuque, Iowa, and studied fiction writing and fine art at The University of Iowa. Her writings have been published in The L. A. Weekly, The ICON and Julien’s Journal. Her first book, Dear Trixie: Bad Advice for the Stupid, was published in May of 2011 by Gasogene Press.

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