by Trixie Kitsch on July 30, 2012

My son is in kindergarten in a very prestigious private school. I have discovered that he is the only 5-year-old who doesn’t have a cell phone. I am very concerned that he feel equal to his peers so as not to develop self-esteem issues later on in life. My husband thinks this is all ridiculous. Trixie, what do you think?
—Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned Mother:
For heaven’s sake! There are starving children all over the world who don’t have laptop computers. They still manage to maintain a healthy self-respect. I am siding with your husband on this one, even though by marrying you, he has proven that he too is an idiot.

* * * *

I am a very attractive woman who is sick to death of being whistled at by construction workers and roofers. Four times each work day, I am ogled: to and from my car and twice more at lunch time. I am offended because they should know with one glance at my couture handbag and matching pumps that I am out of their league. Is there something I can do to stop this harassment?

Dear 38-24-34:
Wear a black burka and shut the hell up.

* * * *

I am 40 years old, and the last 15 years of my life have been ruined by procrastination. It has affected every single aspect of my life. It took me six years to finish a three-year college degree because I couldn’t be bothered to attend classes. At school, I didn’t study for exams or hand in work on time, I always made excuses, and it was a miracle I was allowed to graduate. I’ve been fired from every job I’ve had because I didn’t meet my deadlines. My managers told me to improve my performance, but I couldn’t change my behavior. My utilities have been shut off because I write the checks but never mail the bills, even though I have the money. I hate myself. Why can’t I change?
—Biggest Loser

Dear Biggest Loser:
I, too, am a procrastinator. I wanted to kill myself once, but didn’t because I couldn’t finish the suicide note. Try to embrace this aspect of your personality rather than using it as a catalyst for grief. I could suggest a number of helpful books, but you will never get around to reading them. Life has a way of working itself out when one does nothing. Good luck.

* * * *

I was raised out in the country by hippie parents who used a “free” method of parenting. I was homeschooled my entire life and taught to read with Kurt Vonnegut books. Now I am in my first week of freshman year at a real college, and I have discovered there are many situations which require specific clothing and social skills that I do not possess. I feel awkward and self-conscious and am unsure how to respond to many everyday situations. Could you possibly compress your vast etiquette knowledge into a few basic rules?
—Cinnamon, Who Is Standing Around Looking Stupid

Dear Cinnamon:
Always say “please” and “thank you” and try not to let body odors or fluids spew onto other people.

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We’ve been invited to several cocktail parties and dinners this week. I am wondering if we should just walk in, or ring the bell and wait. I wouldn’t want to distract the hostess from the other guests.
— Mrs. Leonard Sprenglemeier

Dear Mrs. Sprenglemeier:
Guests must always knock and wait to be invited in. The rare exception is if one is attending a Manson Family party, and then creepy-crawling through an open window is acceptable.

* * * *

Trixie Kitsch is the nom de plume for Lisa Agnes Hammer. She was born in 1961 in Dubuque, Iowa, and studied fiction writing and fine art at The University of Iowa. Her writings have been published in The L. A. Weekly, The ICON and Julien’s Journal. Her first book, Dear Trixie: Bad Advice for the Stupid, was published in May of 2011 by Gasogene Press.

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