DEAR TRIXIE: BAD ADVICE FOR THE STUPID 7/16/12

by Trixie Kitsch on July 16, 2012

DEAR TRIXIE:

I work a 50-hour-a-week job and have one child. My wife works 20 hours a week, and we are not making it financially. She wants to get a full-time job, but we calculated the day care expense and it just wouldn’t be cost-effective. Man! What’s a guy got to do to feed and house his family?
—Strapped

Dear Strapped:
In these fiscally challenging times, you could mope around and blame any number of people: George Bush and the Republican trickle-down theory, the US recession, or even the cost of the war in Iraq. I blame you. For the lack of one condom, your life is ruined. Bite the bullet and do what 83% of all Americans are doing. Put in your 50 hours at work, and then knock off a convenience store on your way home.

* * * *

DEAR TRIXIE:
My wife and I are going camping for the first time, with another couple. We are from Newark and have never been outside of a metropolitan area in our lives. The other couple has camped before; they will bring the tents and know how to assemble them. I wonder if you could give me some pointers so I don’t look completely clueless. Thank you, dear Trixie.
—Call Me Ishmael

Dear Ishmael:
I only have two tips: Try not to wear gasoline-soaked clothing near the campfire, and don’t sleep with pieces of raw meat tied around your throat.

* * * *

DEAR TRIXIE:
I am starting my own housecleaning business and need an advertising slogan. It should be short and catchy and say something about how trustworthy we are. Any ideas?
—Carla J. Mook, President of Housecleaners-R-Us

Dear Carla:
“We Don’t Smoke Meth.”

* * * *

DEAR TRIXIE:
My husband and his four business partners are very close friends. We have Sunday get-togethers a few times a month, and all the wives come. They are casual “beer and burgers” parties, and everyone gets along fine. Recently, however, a new receptionist was hired, and she is making these parties very uncomfortable for the wives. Even though it is supposed to be casual, she will show up in a fancy white dress. It is clingy and lacy and looks like something a stripper would wear to her Las Vegas wedding. This is the fourth time she has come in such an outfit. I have taken her aside and suggested she might be more comfortable in something less formal — like khaki — but she doesn’t take the hint. Is there a polite way to get her to stop wearing these white dresses?
—Loretta and All The Gals

Dear Loretta:
Serve barbequed ribs with plenty of sauce, corn on the cob dripping with butter, and gooey chocolate éclairs. If she manages not to spill anything down the front of her dress, slip an éclair onto her chair before she sits down. Say nothing.

* * * *

DEAR TRIXIE:
I met this great guy and he asked me to marry him. We were planning a Christmas wedding, but suddenly my guy gets arrested for robbing a Dollar Store, and now he’ll be in prison for nine years. He didn’t even use a real gun! Should I wait for him?
—Ginger Snappe

Dear Ginger:
You deserve a man with intelligence and raw ambition. Robbing a Dollar Store with a fake gun proves he possesses neither attribute. Maybe next time you’ll hook up with a successful bank robber. Good luck, dear.

* * * *

Trixie Kitsch is the nom de plume for Lisa Agnes Hammer. She was born in 1961 in Dubuque, Iowa, and studied fiction writing and fine art at The University of Iowa. Her writings have been published in The L. A. Weekly, The ICON and Julien’s Journal. Her first book, Dear Trixie: Bad Advice for the Stupid, was published in May of 2011 by Gasogene Press.

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

John Idstrom July 16, 2012 at 5:13 pm

If you can find a house-cleaner that really doesn’t smoke meth, I will hire them AND pay travel expenses.

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