by Trixie Kitsch on June 25, 2012

I think I’ve made a huge mistake. I had a baby three months ago, and I am freaking out. All he does is scream and soil himself. He’s hungry — he screams. He’s tired — he screams. He likes to do the loudest screaming after we’ve finally fallen asleep. I’ve tried to soothe him by singing soft songs or snuggling with him, but the minute I put him down, he starts screaming again. The doctor says he’s not sick. My husband actually wants to have two more in the next couple of years. Help! What can I do?
—Mommie Dearest

Dear Mommie Dearest:
Just ignore him. It’s good for babies to scream. The exercise helps burn off the calories of all that fatty formula you’re feeding him. Studies have shown that babies who scream grow up to be successful trial attorneys, rock musicians, and cheerleaders. The upside is that as long as this continues, you won’t have to worry about making another baby. It’s almost impossible for a man to maintain an erection while a baby is screaming in the next room.

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I’m 21 and have just finished college. I think I’m ready to get married. I haven’t spent much time dating; all my time went to studying. Where do I start? I don’t want to end up with a jackass.
—Mary L.

Dear Mary L.:
They are all jackasses. Try to find the one who has the most money and irritates you the least. Good luck, dear.

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My husband thinks I weigh too much. He constantly tells me I am fat and disgusting. He makes me wear my skinny clothes that bind, and he says I can’t buy anything bigger than a size six. He follows me around the house, and I can’t get away from him. He’s been weighing me every day for the past 12 months, and now he’s put a padlock on the refrigerator. Is this normal?
—Ashamed and Fat

Dear Ashamed:
You mean all you have to do to get rid of this guy is a week of binge eating? Hallelujah! Let’s go to IHOP.

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My 11th birthday was almost three months ago, and I was so busy that I didn’t send thank-you cards. Should I write everyone now, or should I just forget about it?
—Samantha On Wood Street

Dear Samantha:
Just forget about it. Tell your grandma you never got the present she sent, then cry. I guarantee you’ll get more presents.

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Our daughter is planning to get married this year. She doesn’t have an actual date and wants it to be an easy-going affair. This is fine with us, as we have had some unexpected expenses this year. My mother and father are both in the final stages of cancer and heart disease respectively. Money will be tight. Any suggestions?
—Bob and Arlene

Dear Bob and Arlene:
The best way to make the most of a wedding dollar in these recessive times is to kill two obligations with one stone. Wait until Grandma dies, then have an impromptu wedding/funeral reception. The same people would no doubt be attending both functions, and you could put the word out that pastels should be worn as a celebration of Grandma’s life. Or, black bridal gowns are très chic this season. People always want to help out when someone dies by bringing casseroles and flowers. Just tell them to bring deli platters and champagne. This idea works well with other family events: Garage Sale / Bris / Baby Shower, for example, or Graduation Party / Exorcism. With a little creativity, we can all get through these trying economic times.

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Trixie Kitsch is the nom de plume for Lisa Agnes Hammer. She was born in 1961 in Dubuque, Iowa, and studied fiction writing and fine art at The University of Iowa. Her writings have been published in The L. A. Weekly, The ICON, and Julien’s Journal. Her first book, Dear Trixie: Bad Advice for the Stupid, was published in May of 2011 by Gasogene Press.

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