by Trixie Kitsch on June 17, 2012

Whenever my friend Zooey comes over, she doesn’t like doing anything. I like her, but I’m always bored.
—No Names Please

Dear No Names:
Have you tried doing drugs with her? There’s nothing boring about overdosing or being arrested. You kids today just have no imagination.

* * * *

I get frustrated very easily. I try punching my pillow or writing in my journal, but nothing makes me feel better. What should I do?
—Clair on Cleveland Street

Dear Clair:
Kick people, scream, and break stuff. It’s way more satisfying to punch people than it is to punch pillows. That’s what little brothers and sisters are for. You know, it’s unhealthy to keep that all inside. Express yourself! You’ll feel much better!

* * * *

I’m going into 10th grade in September and I have no friends. I wish I had just one good friend. What am I doing wrong?
—Patty In Peosta

Dear Patty:
I sometimes wish I had a friend until I think about how much energy it takes to be nice and act like I care. And all that perfectly good money wasted on Christmas and birthday cards — I think all I really need is a dog, a pint of ice cream, and cable TV.

* * * *

I met this cute guy named Ryan, who works at the mall. He’s a shelf stocker at Walgreen’s, and I can’t stop thinking about him. He has the most beautiful curly brown hair, and even in his work smock he’s sexy. I found out his schedule and where he lives, and I’ve been going to both places every day. My best friend told me to knock it off or I’ll scare him. She thinks I’m turning into a stalker. How can I tell?
—Lori On Laurel Street

Dear Lori:
Have you ever said, “Don’t worry, I’m not a stalker!” to anyone? Have you ever called him more than 75 times in any one-hour period? Do you light a candle by his picture and pray he’ll call you back? Have you ever killed a small animal while chanting your beloved’s name? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are probably a stalker.

* * * *

My boyfriend and I have been engaged for two months. He still looks at other girls when we are out together, and it is humiliating! It’s almost as if he wants me to see him being disrespectful to me. Will this change once we are married?

Dear Bride-To-Be:
Do you really need me to say he is a pig? Do you need me to tell you that if he acts like this when you are engaged, he will be worse when you’re married? Unless you can find a way to get massively expensive, guilt-based gifts every time he does this, I’d dump him — for his best friend.

* * * *

Trixie Kitsch is the nom de plume for Lisa Agnes Hammer. She was born in 1961 in Dubuque, Iowa, and studied fiction writing and fine art at The University of Iowa. Her writings have been published in The L. A. Weekly, The ICON, and Julien’s Journal. Her first book, Dear Trixie: Bad Advice for the Stupid, was published in May of 2011 by Gasogene Press.

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