by Trixie Kitsch on June 11, 2012


I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
—Ed on South Grandview

Dear Ed:
Yes, run for public office.

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My loser brother-in-law has a birthday coming up and my sister says we all have to get him something, even if we dislike him personally. He has so many drunk driving convictions and drug busts that fine wine or a cash gift is not a good idea. It’s important that my present won’t be used to further his poor choices. Any ideas?
—No Names Please

Dear No Names Please:
Do bail bondsmen offer gift certificates? I’d call and check. If they don’t — they should.

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Two days after my 14th birthday, I shoplifted. I stole from two stores before I was caught. I felt awful, especially after my parents had to pick me up at the police station. I hate myself! Help!
—Rikki on Rhomberg

Dear Rikki:
Stop hating yourself and take a good honest look at where you went wrong. Did you look for store security personnel? What about video surveillance? You need to make sure this never happens again. In the future, use the buddy system. Get a friend to create a diversion — fainting into a stack of merchandise or projectile vomiting would work really well. Like anything else in life, the more you do it, the better you’ll get.

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Two of my friends occasionally experiment with cigarettes and alcohol. I don’t do what they do. We used to be really close and it breaks my heart to see the choices they make. Can I stay friends with them, or do I need to dump them?
—Dylan J. In Dyersville

Dear Dylan J.:
Don’t dump them — blackmail them! This could be highly profitable, especially if their parents are lawyers or judges. Life brings us opportunities every minute! You’ve got to be smart enough to see them and exploit them before others do!

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There’s a cute guy who works in the same building I do. He’s really a fox and I want him to ask me out. I left a note on his car but he said he doesn’t want to date me. Help!
—Jenny J.

Dear Jenny J.:
Who cares what he wants? Call him anyway. Slash his tires. Stalk him. He’ll eventually realize that what you want takes precedence over his feelings and desires. And if he doesn’t learn that, then you have the right to punish him.

* * * *

Trixie Kitsch is the nom de plume for Lisa Agnes Hammer. She was born in 1961 in Dubuque, Iowa, and studied fiction writing and fine art at The University of Iowa. Her writings have been published in The L. A. Weekly, The ICON and Julien’s Journal. Her first book, Dear Trixie: Bad Advice for the Stupid, was published in May of 2011 by Gasogene Press.

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