by Trixie Kitsch on May 28, 2012

Maybe you can answer a question for me. Why is it that most of the men I see jogging are bald? Do you think jogging promotes baldness or baldness promotes jogging?
—Really Curious

Dear Curious:
Neither. These guys are just too cheap to buy the Hummer.

* * * *

I used to love your column, but now I hate it and I hate you, too. I’ve written to you at least 11 times, and you have yet to print any of my letters. I guess you’re just too cool to print one from somebody who really needs advice.

Dear Ex-Fan:
What letters? I swear I’ve never seen any letters you’ve sent. Not even the pathetic one where you want people to pay attention to you.

* * * *

I have a knack for picking the wrong men. They all seem good at the beginning but turn out to be really awful. Where are all the nice guys?
—Still Looking

Dear Still Looking:
You can tell a real gentleman because he always says something nice about your butt, no matter how big it is. A gentleman buys the whole bucket of chicken and lets the lady pick out which porn movie they’ll watch. And he’ll wipe the grease off his mouth with his sleeve before he sticks his tongue in your mouth.

* * * *

I’m not saying this to boast, but I am 25, my figure is 38-26-36, and I have won several beauty contests. Two years ago, I married what everyone thought was a prize. He was college-educated, very handsome, and had a rosy financial future. Well, this “prize” has made love to me exactly four times in the past six months. I told him he needed to see a doctor to find out exactly why he has no interest in me. He said I need to see a doctor to find out why I am never satisfied. Any suggestions?
—Covered in Cobwebs

Dear Covered in Cobwebs:
What you need is a hobby. Have you ever thought of needlepoint or masturbation?

* * * *

I am in love with a really good guy. He’s hard-working, handsome, and I think he really loves and needs me. He wants us to move in together and get married right away, but I think things are moving too fast. I can’t put my finger on it, but minor things he does really bug me. Will that go away once we get married?
—Lorry on Loras

Dear Lorry:
No. It will get worse. The longer you are with someone, the more they will annoy you — like the time he came over really drunk and was talking like a two-year-old. Remember how cute you thought he was when you tucked him in? It won’t seem nearly as cute when he crashes into the new coffee table, vomits into a sink full of dishes, and accidentally sets the stove on fire. Stay single, stay sane.

* * * *

Trixie Kitsch is the nom de plume for Lisa Agnes Hammer. She was born in 1961 in Dubuque, Iowa, and studied fiction writing and fine art at The University of Iowa. Her writings have been published in The L. A. Weekly, The ICON and Julien’s Journal. Her first book, Dear Trixie: Bad Advice for the Stupid, was published in May of 2011 by Gasogene Press.

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