by Trixie Kitsch on May 21, 2012

My boyfriend says he loves me, and I believe he does. We’ve been together for three years and not once in all that time has he been faithful. First it was a girl he worked with, and he had to change shifts. Then it was our neighbor’s daughter who babysat for us. After that it was a secretary, his dental hygienist, a stripper, my cousin, his best friend’s wife, and now a waitress at our club. Why does he continually cheat on me?
—Totally Distraught

Dear Distraught:
It’s called the limbic system. It’s the pleasure center in the brain that handles motor skills and primitive impulses. And because you let him.

* * * *

I met a very fascinating guy on the Internet. He says the funniest things and is so attentive. He says he’s an entrepreneur. What exactly does that mean?
—Newly Single

Dear Single:
It means he’s unemployed.

* * * *

My girlfriend has been acting crazy lately. She puts things in weird places and repeats words over and over. She walks around the apartment talking to herself and clenching her fists. Sometimes she hits herself in the head and says bizarre things like, “Time is not essential,” or “Eggs and cats in the sunlight.” What does it mean?
—Tony R.

Dear Tony:
It means she’s out of medication.

* * * *

I’m a high school foreign exchange student from England who has just arrived in America. I’m worried about all the violence in this country. I’ve been all over Europe, and I’m convinced more people in the U.S. are killed with handguns than in any other nation. Do you agree? Is the U.S. more violent?
—Dawn Dingle From Devonshire

Dear Dawn:
We’re not more violent than any other country. We’re just better shots.

* * * *

Lately I’ve been having the damnedest time trying to concentrate in class. My brain just seems to jump from one sexual fantasy to another and even when I deliberately try to pay attention and actually take notes, I find myself forgetting what my instructor just said. I’ve also become irritable, sleepless, and full of vague anxieties. I can’t finish any project either. Are these symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder?
—Really Starting To Wig

Dear Wigger:
Nope: boredom. Go get a job.

* * * *

Trixie Kitsch is the nom de plume for Lisa Agnes Hammer. She was born in 1961 in Dubuque, Iowa, and studied fiction writing and fine art at The University of Iowa. Her writings have been published in The L. A. Weekly, The ICON and Julien’s Journal. Her first book, Dear Trixie: Bad Advice for the Stupid, was published in May of 2011 by Gasogene Press.

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Fanny Butt May 24, 2012 at 5:12 pm

I simply don’t know what I’d do without your advice…does that mean I’m stupid?


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