by Trixie Kitsch on May 14, 2012

My girlfriend hasn’t had sex with me in three weeks. She still talks to me and everything — just no sex. What is up with that?
—Rick from Rickardsville

Dear Rick:
She’s pulling a Passive-Aggressive Booty Embargo on you. What did you do? There is only one substance strong enough to bust that embargo: diamonds. Big fat diamonds. Hurry! And don’t be so quick to be stupid next time.

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I want to have a totally unique wedding. I can’t afford a wedding planner and a wedding, so that’s why I’m asking you. Do you have any creative ideas for a big bash on a small budget? I have $600.
—Darnell in Dickeyville

Dear Darnell:
You should have a hillbilly-themed wedding. You could have it in a parking lot! It would be so awesome! Do everything in red and white checked gingham: wedding dress — bridesmaid dresses — tablecloths — the whole bit. Serve buckets and buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken wings — very reasonably priced — and four or five kegs of Old Milwaukee. Ask everyone to bring their own lawn chairs, and for added charm, have barefoot children chase a small hog through the ceremony. To save on the band, have karaoke! And the cake could be whatever the bakery has on sale. Lots of times people order big cakes for retirement parties or golden anniversaries and someone dies right before the party. Bakeries will practically give away a cake like that. Oh, I’m so happy for you! People will talk about this wedding for the rest of your life!

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My husband snores so loud that I have not had a good night’s sleep in 13 years. He also jerks and kicks and gasps and makes the most horrifying grinding noise with his teeth. Is there any type of medication that can help?
—Edith In East Dubuque

Dear Edith:
Yes, it’s called vodka. As soon as your husband goes to bed, promptly drink 16 ounces. That ought to do it.

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What are the warning signs that your mate is cheating?
—Wondering Wife

Dear Wondering Wife:
Does your husband buy you flowers or give you jewelry when it’s not your birthday or your anniversary? When he’s with you, does he let all his cell phone calls go directly to voice mail? Does he call for no reason just to say he loves you? Is he “in a meeting” when you call his office? Does he golf all day on Saturday? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then your husband is most certainly cheating! I hope that helps.

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What would you do with a man who refuses to use deodorant, rarely bathes, and doesn’t even own a toothbrush?
—Disgusted In Dubuque

Dear Disgusted:
Absolutely nothing!

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Trixie Kitsch is the nom de plume for Lisa Agnes Hammer. She was born in 1961 in Dubuque, Iowa, and studied fiction writing and fine art at The University of Iowa. Her writings have been published in The L.A. Weekly, The ICON and Julien’s Journal. Her first book, Dear Trixie: Bad Advice for the Stupid, was published in May of 2011 by Gasogene Press.

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Trixie Kitsch on sex, weddings, marriage, and other stupid things.