by Trixie Kitsch on May 7, 2012

There ain’t nothing I dig more than downing a chilly case of Old Style and doin’ The Nasty with my old lady, but now she won’t even cop a minor buzz ’cuz she says it’s bad for the baby. Then she shows me some label on the can that says alcoholic beverages cause birth defects. Man! What’s up with that?
—Really Bummed

Dear Bummed:
That’s the wrong warning. It should have read: Before you drink this, take a good look at your date and imagine him as the father of your children. If it weren’t for alcohol, most of us would never have gotten pregnant in the first place.

* * * *

Is it a bad idea to have sex with your doctor at his office?
—Hot For Doc

Dear Hot:
It is if he’s billing you for the visit.

* * * *

Do you realize that what you are doing is taking someone’s real distress and reducing it to trivial proportions in order to make fun of them? You seem to get some sort of kick out of other people’s misery.
—Had To Speak Up

Dear Had To:
Well, duh.

* * * *

Two men just bought the mansion across the street and fixed it up. We notice a very suspicious mixture of people coming and going at all hours. Blacks, whites, Orientals, women who look like men and men who look like women. People come in everything from Harleys and old bummy cars to new BMWs. This has always been considered one of the finest sections in town, and these weirdos are giving it a bad name. How can we improve the neighborhood?
—Mr. and Mrs. Anonymous

Dear Mr. and Mrs.:
You could move.

* * * *

I am eleven years old but I know all the facts of life because I live in a bad neighborhood. My problem is that in my family the girls get pregnant quick. What I mean is, my sister got pregnant when she was 14 just sitting next to a boy in church. That is what they say, anyway. Can this be true?
—Brandy G.

Dear Brandy:
No. Somebody must have moved.

* * * *

Trixie Kitsch is the nom de plume for Lisa Agnes Hammer. She was born in 1961 in Dubuque, Iowa, and studied fiction writing and fine art at The University of Iowa. Her writings have been published in The L. A. Weekly, The Icon, and Julien’s Journal. Her first book, Dear Trixie: Bad Advice for the Stupid, was published in May of 2011 by Gasogene Press.

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