by Trixie Kitsch on April 30, 2012

I am trying to feed a family of five on one salary — my job was just eliminated through corporate downsizing — and it’s going to be difficult. The cost of meat has gone sky high! Today I tried to apply for food stamps and I found we don’t qualify. What can you recommend?
—Daddy No Bucks

Dear Daddy No Bucks:
In these troubled financial times, it takes cunning and creativity to survive. I have a solution that will not only feed your family but will rid the neighborhood of unwanted varmints. You can create delicious, low-cost meals and teach your kids valuable survival skills at the same time! Simply arm the children with shotguns and box cutters and send them out into the neighborhood after raccoons, opossums and squirrels. After a couple of tries, even a small child can kill and skin a squirrel. Use any recipe that calls for chicken or beef and substitute equal portions of wild game meat. I recommend Raccoon Fettuccine Alfredo or Green Chili Squirrel Fajitas with Spanish Rice. If you pull together as a family, you’ll find there’s no obstacle you can’t overcome.

* * * *

I am 12 and I am very worried about the state of our universe. Pollution is destroying our planet! Soon the ozone layer will be gone and it is our own fault. Do you think we are doomed?
—Seth K. in Miss Jamison’s Class

Dear Seth:
You are awfully young to be worrying about the planet. Don’t you have enough problems with impending puberty? Try to look on the bright side. Global warming simply means a better tan — QUICKER!

* * * *

I am having my first child in November and I’m scared to death. I’ve never been good with pain and my sister says it hurts like hell even with the drugs they give. She had a 9-pound boy 30 days ago and she is still sore. The thought of a baby’s head tearing out of my body freaks me out almost as much as the idea of an episiotomy! I’m afraid I’ll have a baby with a giant head. What can I do?
—Ashley In Terror

Dear Ashley:
Studies have shown that mothers who drink nine or more alcoholic beverages a day have babies with smaller skulls and lower birth weights. I recommend Jack Daniel’s and Diet Coke.

* * * *

My roommate is a giant creep. He never does his dishes or picks up after himself. He spends all day lying in bed smoking herb and dodging collection calls. Today he told me he is renting my room to some guy for more money and I have three days to get my stuff and get out. I’m not on the lease. What do I do?
—Ticked Off

Dear Ticked Off:
You should get your stuff and get out — but before you go, cut a small opening in a can of Friskies Cat Food. I recommend the Super Supper or Fisherman’s Surprise. Remove the heat register plate and drop it as far down as you can. Super Glue the screws back in place. It takes a few weeks before the stench becomes truly heinous. What laughs you’ll have when you hear the police have kicked in his door looking for a body.* * * *

Trixie Kitsch is the nom de plume for Lisa Agnes Hammer. She was born in 1961 in Dubuque, Iowa, and studied fiction writing and fine art at The University of Iowa. Her writings have been published in “The L. A. Weekly,” “The Icon,” and “Julien’s Journal.” Her first book, “Dear Trixie: Bad Advice for the Stupid,” was published in May of 2011 by Gasogene Press.

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

John Idstrom April 30, 2012 at 4:46 pm

A few comments:

a) Shotguns and boxcutters sounds dangerously close to how I actually grew up.
b) I’m the food writer around here.
3) some of these questions are fake. No way in hell that Ashley in Terror knows how to correctly spell episiotomy. Bet she can’t spell diaphram either.


Amy Milligan May 1, 2012 at 3:25 am

Lots of people can’t. It’s “diaphragm.”
Just sayin’.


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