DEAR TRIXIE: BAD ADVICE FOR THE STUPID (3/26/12)

by Trixie Kitsch on March 26, 2012

DEAR TRIXIE:
My new girlfriend is a vegan. She only eats pasta, vegetables and salad. The list of things she won’t eat is longer than the list of things she will eat. She says it’s wrong to eat animal flesh. What do you think?
—Burger Lover

Dear Burger Lover:
If humans were meant to be vegetarians animals would be made of rice.

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DEAR TRIXIE:
Lately on TV I’ve seen all sorts of celebrities losing up to 50 pounds on the Beverly Hills Diet. Does that diet really work? How can someone lose 50 pounds in eight weeks?
—Overweight and Skeptical

Dear Overweight and Skeptical:
The Beverly Hills diet really does work. You can eat anything you want as long as you smoke crack before each meal.

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DEAR TRIXIE:
My husband and I threw a party last weekend, and to our surprise, one couple stayed after everyone else had left. I dropped hints to no avail. They just kept snacking and chatting, totally oblivious to the late hour. In the future, how should we handle this problem?
—Bill And DeeDee

Dear Bill and DeeDee:
When people overstay their welcome at my house this is what I do:
1. Put away food and drink. 2. Let dog out. 3. Put on pajamas. 4. Yawn. 5.Let dog in. 6.Look at watch and yawn again. 7.Turn off lights. 8.Fire gun into ceiling. 9.Laugh hysterically. 10.Go to bed.

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DEAR TRIXIE:
I just trashed my boss in an inter-office e-mail and then sent it to him by mistake. I meant to send it to my friend and co-worker. He’s going to see it when he gets back from lunch. What should I do?
—I’m Toast

Dear Toast:
There’s only one way to keep him from seeing that email. You have to kill him. There’s no better time than now for a violent workplace massacre.

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DEAR TRIXIE:
I’m ready to end a one-year relationship. My girlfriend has a tendency to blow everything out of proportion and sob over the smallest thing. Is it bad manners to break up with her in public? I was thinking about somewhere nice – like Timmerman’s.
—Robert T.

Dear Robert:
Make a reservation. For something like this it’s best to give the restaurant some advance warning. That way the kitchen staff can all come out and watch the fun. You could also invite your other friends to sit near your table and take bets on her reaction – hysterical tears or a drink in the face? There’s no rule that says break ups can’t be amusing.

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Trixie Kitsch is the nom de plume for Lisa Agnes Hammer. She was born in 1961 in Dubuque, Iowa, and studied fiction writing and fine art at The University of Iowa. Her writings have been published in “The L. A. Weekly,” “The Icon” and “Julien’s Journal.” Her first book, “Dear Trixie: Bad Advice for the Stupid,” was published in May of 2011 by Gasogene Press.

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