by Trixie Kitsch on March 19, 2012


There’s this old lady who comes to our restaurant almost every day. She wears bizarre clothes that don’t match — like huge purple hats with fake flowers and net hanging down. She wears thick white make-up like a mime, and when you ask her a question, she sings the answer. Today she wore a scuba mask on her head like a hat, a long velvet evening gown and sneakers. I say she’s insane. My coworker thinks she’s just eccentric. What’s the difference?
—Two Waitresses at Dottie’s Café

Dear Waitresses:
Money is the difference. Rich people are eccentric. Poor people are insane.

* * * *

I have been married to “Bob” for six months. We get along pretty well, but sometimes he doesn’t answer me. I can be telling him about my day, and he will just sit there saying nothing. I want to know what this man has on his mind, and it makes me crazy when he acts so detached. I’d settle for a simple grunt or something — just to know he’s been listening. It’s like we don’t speak the same language anymore. Help!
—Newlywed On Nevada Street

Dear Newlywed:
You must learn to interpret what he says — and what he doesn’t say. For example, if he says, “I like your hair that way,” he is thinking, “Her ass is huge.” If he says, “I don’t want green beans tonight,” he is thinking,” I wish I never married her,” and when he says, “I love you,” he’s really thinking, “the Hawkeyes have a great line-up this season.” Hang in there, dear — eventually you won’t care what he thinks.

* * * *

I am a 74-year-old widow. I should be happy because I am in relatively good health compared to my friends. I have a sound mind, a good strong heart and can still walk and drive just fine. My problem is that I am very bored. What can you recommend for adding excitement to my life?
—Muriel on Sunset Ridge

Dear Muriel:
Have you ever tried shoplifting? Everyone’s doing it! You will never get as good a buzz as the one you’ll get strolling out of a store with a new big screen tv or a potted palm.

* * * *

My kids squeeze the toothpaste tube wrong. I have told them time and time again to squeeze from the bottom — NOT from the middle. My sink is a gooey mess! They just laugh and ignore me. What can I do?
—Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned Mom:
Kids today are so selfish. Throw away the toothpaste and for that matter, toss out the toothbrushes too. Let them get a mouth full of cavities and have their teeth rot and fall out. That will teach those little bastards a lesson. Don’t worry, they’ll grow a new set — eventually.

* * * *

I work in a small real estate office, and all the women wear too much perfume. Because we work in close proximity, this is especially offensive. I am super sensitive to certain smells and most perfumes give me a headache, which often upsets my stomach. Every time I answer a phone, pick up a pen or touch the computer mouse, I am contaminated. I have mentioned this to my coworkers and asked them to please stop wearing it, but that has done no good. I have even asked my supervisor to issue a memo asking all employees to refrain from wearing perfume – but he doesn’t see it as a real problem (he wears a lot of “Aramis”). I can smell them long after they leave the office. Help!
—Mal Odorous @ Century 21

Dear Mal Odorous:
You could contact a workers’ rights group and complain, but that will probably get you fired. Instead, why not beat them at their own game? Cabella’s sells 100% pure animal urine for use in hunting. It is available in red fox, elk, white tail doe, wild hog, rat, raccoon and skunk. I’d go with the wild hog urine. Skunk is a bit predictable, don’t you think? It’s quite expensive — about $250 an ounce. But in your case worth every penny. Perhaps it can be deducted as a business expense. Good luck, dear.

* * * *
Trixie Kitsch is the nom de plume for Lisa Agnes Hammer. She was born in 1961 in Dubuque, Iowa, and studied fiction writing and fine art at The University of Iowa. Her writings have been published in “The L. A. Weekly,” “The Icon” and “Julien’s Journal.” Her first book, “Dear Trixie: Bad Advice for the Stupid,” was published in May of 2011 by Gasogene Press.

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: