by Trixie Kitsch on March 12, 2012


I think there is something wrong with me. I can’t relax and stop cleaning. Every time I sit down and try to watch TV, I can only see the dust on the screen and the hairballs underneath. Yesterday I vacuumed my entire house 13 times. It worries me to think somebody might stop by unexpectedly and see something untidy. I couldn’t sleep at night if I thought people were talking about my messy house. I decided something was wrong when I negotiated a discount on a 24-count case of Pledge. I don’t even have any wooden furniture. Help!
—Mrs. Clean Freak

Dear Mrs. Clean Freak:
The first thing to do is to sit down, have a beer, and admit that you are powerless over dust bunnies. Admitting this is the first step to recovery. The second thing to do is to stop being nice to people. If you haven’t any friends, you haven’t any friends who will stop by. This theory also works well with sterling silver. If you haven’t got any—you haven’t got any to polish.

Try taking deep breaths and saying this phrase 20 times a day: Spring cleaning is done once— in the spring. Repeat these steps until you are unconscious.

* * * *

My 14-year-old son was arrested for breaking and entering. He kicked in the back door of a nearby summer cottage and was caught by our neighbor. I was so mad I could have strangled him! I try to be a good parent, but sometimes you just can’t watch them 24 hours a day. What can I do to stop this behavior in the future?
—Concerned Father

Dear Concerned Father:
Kids need positive encouragement as they grow into adulthood. When a child finds something that interests him, it is your duty to foster that interest. I recommend a beginner’s lockpick set. A simple set containing the basic four picks—hook, diamond, basic rake and ball rake with a tension wrench can be purchased online for $19.98. Comes in three designer colors! Manual included.

* * * *

I travel by plane quite often for my job, and I am constantly being bothered by my seatmates. They seem to think I want to hear their long-winded, pointless stories and then share with them some personal tidbit from my life. I have even been interrupted while reading a book! I have flown Business, Coach as well as First Class, and I have had the same problems. Why is it assumed that a woman travelling alone is lonely and in need of companionship? What must a gal do these days to be left alone on a long flight?
—Trudi Martinez

Dear Trudi:
Unfortunately, body language is a type of communication in which all people are not fluent. The subtle eye roll, the exaggerated yawn, the impatient sigh—this art is lost on most people. That’s why I always carry a sturdy copy of “Shadows of Evil: Long-Haul Trucker Wayne Adam Ford and His Grisly Trail of Rape, Dismemberment, and Murder” by Carlton Smith and immediately commence reading.

A few lusty bursts of laughter interspersed with gentle chortles will keep everyone away. Including the flight attendants.

* * * *

It takes my husband so long to finish having sex with me that last night I actually dozed off in the middle. This seemed to really upset him. I love the guy and I wouldn’t hurt him for anything in the world. What can I do? Do you have any tips for staying awake during sex?
—No Names Please

Dear No Names Please:
I make a mental inventory of all 104 chemical elements. Then I arrange the elements in groups according to their physical and chemical properties—valence, melting point, and electrochemical properties. Then I reconstruct the periodical table. I like to work out new combinations: two elements in group K, eight in group L, Eighteen in group M. And every once in a while I scream, YES, YES, YES!

Trixie Kitsch is the nom de plume for Lisa Agnes Hammer. She was born in 1961 in Dubuque, Iowa, and studied fiction writing and fine art at The University of Iowa. Her writings have been published in “The L. A. Weekly,” “The Icon” and “Julien’s Journal.” Her first book, “Dear Trixie: Bad Advice for the Stupid,” was published in May of 2011 by Gasogene Press.

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