by Trixie Kitsch on February 27, 2012

I have $2,400 coming from my income taxes. I worked two jobs to get that money, and I need to know the best thing to do with it. Should I put it in an interest bearing savings account or invest in a CD or two? What should I do?
—Penny Wise

Dear Penny:
Quick! Spend it before it depreciates!

* * * *

My wife cannot get dressed without trying on at least five outfits. She’ll change the skirt, put on different shoes and a new top and twirl around in front of the mirror. Then she’ll come into the kitchen where I am trying to eat my breakfast and read the paper, and she will ask me the same stupid question: “Does this make my butt look big?”

I can’t just say “no.” I have to check her out from head to toe and then say in a genuine voice, “You look great! I love that skirt on you.” This takes quite a bit of acting on my part because she looks chubby in everything. That’s because she’s overweight. She doesn’t want to hear the truth. She WANTS me to lie to her. If I swap her out for a new wife is it going to be the same thing? Do all women do this before they go out in public?
—Relatively New Husband

Dear Husband:
Yes. All women, regardless of their race or cultural background go through this ridiculous charade every day in homes across the globe. I have even heard that the last words of female suicide bombers are, “Does this explosive belt make my ass look huge?”

* * * *

My brother is always in trouble. He steals stuff and is hanging out with some sketchy kids after school. He lies to our parents and stays out as long as he wants. Meanwhile, I get A’s and I’m never late for curfew. My parents don’t pay any attention to me. I am 14 and need attention too. This family is falling apart! Help!
—Mistee Lee Spinke

Dear Mistee Spinke:
Studies have shown that the drama of an unexpected intervention can bring even the most dysfunctional families together. I recommend an eating disorder, a drug problem and an unplanned pregnancy.

* * * *

I have high cholesterol and high blood pressure. I need to radically alter my diet. Can you give me any recipes for no salt/no fat foods that can be made into edible and attractive dishes?
—Dwayne Rottini

Dear Dwayne:

* * * *

Is it normal for a guy to choke you while making out?
—Ashlynne In Asbury

Dear Ashlynne:
Yes. It’s called necking.

* * * *

My wife is not like other people. When we were first married I would hear her having a spirited conversation in another room. As soon as I’d enter the room, she would stop talking. For years I thought she might have slight schizophrenia or a multi-personality problem. She has recently confided that she is talking to the dead.

She is a real ghost whisperer! She says that she should not have to hide this part of her and that I need to accept her gift just as she has accepted it. My problem is that she is constantly talking to them, and I would like to have one verbal interaction without being interrupted by the deceased. Help!
—Lonely and Laconic

Dear Lonely:
It is very rude for any two people to converse privately in the presence of a third person. This goes for taking cell phone calls, whispering behind one’s hand or having a secret confab with the recently deceased. If she cannot find the courtesy to grant you the same attention she gives to the dearly departed, then I might suggest you make use of a Ouija board to communicate your displeasure—to her and her friends.


Trixie Kitsch is the nom de plume for Lisa Agnes Hammer. She was born in 1961 in Dubuque, Iowa, and studied fiction writing and fine art at The University of Iowa. Her writings have been published in “The L. A. Weekly,” “The Icon” and “Julien’s Journal.” Her first book, “Dear Trixie: Bad Advice for the Stupid,” was published in May of 2011 by Gasogene Press. 

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