by Trixie Kitsch on February 21, 2012

Dear Trixie:
I am a sad and single man in my mid twenties. I can’t seem to find the woman I am supposed to marry and be with the rest of my life. I am in good health and have an interesting career and earn a nice living. I should be happy. I just feel alone and unloved. I see these happy loving couples strolling hand in hand and it shoots a pain into my heart. Here it is Valentine’s Day, and I have no one to send flowers to. And I probably never will. Help!
–Profoundly Single

Dear Profoundly Single:
Don’t let it make you feel alone and unloved and full of despair. You are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. Whenever I see those happy couples holding hands in public and gazing at each other with rapturous intensity, I know that this represents only 1% of their relationship. The other 99% is spent being resentful, angry and generally disgusted with their beloved’s personal habits. They say horribly cruel things to each other and heap guilt and recriminations at every opportunity. Then they lie next to each other in bed stiff with loathing while not having sex.

Single is not so bad.

 * * * *

Dear Trixie:
Please explain something to me. Exactly how long does it take to give a woman an orgasm? Is that true that it takes at least two hours of foreplay?
–Not Exactly A Novice

Dear Not Exactly:
Less if you give jewelry.

 * * * *

Dear Trixie:
My six year old son has been saying some strange things lately. If he doesn’t get his way he threatens to harm himself. Once he held his breath for a whole minute and his face turned bright red. I don’t know what to do. Yesterday he told his dad to give him five cookies or he would cut himself with a steak knife.
–Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned Mother:
It’s a bluff. Give him the knife.

 * * * *

Dear Trixie:
My boyfriend is really cheap. He shows up on a Friday night with a handful of day lilies he got from the side of the road and says, “What’s for dinner?” He seems to think I am going to cook and serve him, and because we are monogamous, that that means he never has to take me out to a decent restaurant. I am a good cook and it pleases me that he is proud of my culinary skills, but I want to go OUT sometimes. I need romance and roses! I am a passive person by nature and I have trouble saying anything and being tough on this issue. What can you recommend?
–Betty Crocker

Dear Betty Crocker:
Your first mistake was bringing him home and feeding him. Once you feed them they never want to leave. You need to retrain him to despise your cooking. Here is a recipe for an edible but perfectly disgusting dinner. I call it Casserole Gavage:
1 can creamed corn
1 can corned beef
1 can fruit cocktail
4 cups oatmeal
Stir ingredients until mixture resembles vomit, then bake.
Continue serving this meal until he offers to take you out to a nice place or until breaks up with you.


Trixie Kitsch is the nom de plume for Lisa Agnes Hammer. She was born in 1961 in Dubuque,Iowa, and studied fiction writing and fine art at The University of Iowa. Her writings have been published in “The L. A. Weekly,” “The Icon” and “Julien’s Journal.” Her first book, “Dear Trixie: Bad Advice for the Stupid,” was published in May of 2011 by Gasogene Press.

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