by Trixie Kitsch on June 4, 2012


My mom is insisting that my three brothers and I do something together. She took the TV away and said until we learn to spend our time usefully and without fighting we won’t get the TV back. She said when she was our age she made all of her own toys, and we should be able to amuse ourselves by making our own neat stuff. What can we make?
—Ryan, Jackson, Zack, and Dylan

Dear Ryan, Jackson, et al:
I have a recipe for homemade napalm. Simply mix equal parts of gasoline and frozen orange juice and let the laughs begin!

* * * *

I want to do something for my community. I want to make my city a better place for everyone. The problem is that I am good at so many things that I can’t decide where to start volunteering first. What’s the best way for me to give back to my community? What would you recommend?
—Super Great Citizen

Dear Super Great Citizen:

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I am 10 and live in Epworth. I think my parents are being really mean to me. If I don’t do what they say, I get locked in the closet for an hour. If I turn on the light or kick the door it’s another hour. None of my friends’ parents lock them in closets. They have Time Out in a corner or in their bedrooms. Could this be considered child abuse? What’s wrong with my parents?
—Jason J.

Dear Jason:
Isolation from others for long periods of time is a good way for children to learn to be more creative. Imagination is a necessary part of human development and your parents are just trying to make you a better person. My parents locked me in the basement for days at a time and I turned out fine. Why not use this time to develop new coping mechanisms? You can never have too many imaginary friends!

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I am 52 and would like to meet a man my age with a good job, tight buns, and no bad habits.
—Denise From Dubuque

Dear Denise:
So would I.

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I am a red-blooded man who has had two marriages and two divorces. All I want is a woman who will clean the house and wash the dishes and clothes and keep her fat mouth shut. It is a lot harder to find one than I thought. Trixie, where can I find a good old gal like that?
—Rusty on Rhomberg

Dear Rusty:
I’d try the Internet. Maybe the Taliban have some for sale.

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Trixie Kitsch is the nom de plume for Lisa Agnes Hammer. She was born in 1961 in Dubuque, Iowa, and studied fiction writing and fine art at The University of Iowa. Her writings have been published in The L. A. Weekly, The ICON and Julien’s Journal. Her first book, Dear Trixie: Bad Advice for the Stupid, was published in May of 2011 by Gasogene Press.


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