by Trixie Kitsch on April 1, 2012

My wife and I are having a pagan solstice dinner party, and my in-laws (who never pass up a free meal) will probably show up uninvited. What should we do if they embarrass us and insist on saying grace?
— The Druids On South Grandview

Dear Druids:
It’s perfectly acceptable to flick them with goat blood and chant, “Death to Satan’s non-believers.” How else will your in-laws learn tolerance for those with alternative religious beliefs?

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What is the rule for sending a wedding gift? I have heard it’s okay to wait up to a year after the ceremony to send one. Is that true?
—Terri on 10th

Dear Terri on 10th:
You can wait a year to send the gift, and they can wait a decade to send the thank-you card.

* * * *

I’m an unmarried, 39-year-old heterosexual man who doesn’t want to be in a serious relationship. I really like dating women, but it always ends up the same. After a few weeks of dating, they all want to ramp it up a notch and become more “serious.” I don’t want a serious relationship. I always make it clear from the get go that I am not looking for monogamy or any kind of commitment. I own a $300,000 home and make a good living and don’t want to get married — ever. As soon as they see the inside of my Early American house, they want to move in. What can I do?
—Single And Staying That Way

Dear Single:
You need to redecorate. Nothing says “permanent bachelor” quite as loudly as a house decorated in the “Early Swapmeet” style: electric beer signs, vibrating recliner and Nascar collectibles.

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I threw the worst dinner party last weekend! I scorched the rice and over-salted the meat, and the sparkling wine I served was flat. People were too polite to say anything, but I was humiliated. I ended up in the powder room sobbing into a hand towel. When I came out I discovered my elderly dachshund had defecated under the diningroom table. My husband cleaned it up and showed everyoneout. Trixie, what would you have done?
—Rotten Hostess

Dear Rotten Hostess:
I would have laughed the loudest and broke out a huge bottle of Sauza. Someone needs to stand up and declare an end to these polite dinner parties full of restrained humor and so-called sophistication. If you can’t laugh at yourself in your own home, then what are you actually celebrating?

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I am getting married in four months and I am being bombarded by decisions. Flowers, dresses, churches and reception halls. Brides-maids, tuxedos, groomsmen and flower girls. Should I serve steak or salmon? It’s all so overwhelming, I’m not sure I want to do it at all! I feel like I’m standing in the middle of a burning house and spinning around and around in the same spot until it all crashes down on top of me! What should I do?
—Totally Freaking Out

Dear Totally:
I’d go with the salmon.

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Trixie Kitsch is the nom de plume for Lisa Agnes Hammer. She was born in 1961 in Dubuque, Iowa, and studied fiction writing and fine art at The University of Iowa. Her writings have been published in “The L. A. Weekly,” “The Icon” and “Julien’s Journal.” Her first book, “Dear Trixie: Bad Advice for the Stupid,” was published in May of 2011 by Gasogene Press.

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