DEAR TRIXIE: BAD ADVICE FOR THE STUPID

by Trixie Kitsch on January 15, 2012

DEAR TRIXIE:

We’ve been invited to several cocktail parties and dinners this week. I am wondering if we should just walk in or ring the bell and wait. I wouldn’t want to disrupt the hostess from the other guests.
— Mrs. Leonard Sprenglemeier

Dear Mrs. Sprenglemeier:
Guests must always knock and wait to be invited in. The rare exception is if one is attending a Manson Family party, and then creepy-crawling through an open window is acceptable.
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DEAR TRIXIE:
I have two 12-inch variegated coleus plants which seem unwell. They hang from the ceiling and are about three feet long. Their leaves are droopy, and they have a strange fuzz on their stems. The leaves are full of brown spots and their edges are curling inward. I have had these plants for quite a few years, and they have been healthy until now. I won’t use dangerous chemicals in my home so can you give me a natural, non-toxic solution?
—Elaine OnFerndale

Dear Elaine:
At first, this may seem strange and a bit disgusting, but it is the only way to rid your plants of a severe infestation by Aphids Idiosis. Mix 1 cup of vegetable oil with 3 cups of human urine in a glass container and set aside. Cover it with Cling Wrap and leave in a dark place for 36 hours. In a separate glass, pour 3 ounces of bourbon whiskey and set aside. Pour the oil solution into a spray bottle. Shake well. Vigorously mist the entire plant until the bottle is empty. Now drink the whiskey and congratulate yourself for job well done!
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DEAR TRIXIE:
I’m unavoidably thrown into business and social gatherings with a man I consider corrupt and amoral. We have been in eight court battles (I won them all), and each of us is assiduously trying to ruin the other’s career. All this is publicly known to everyone at these parties. It is a small town. So far, we have been able to maintain a polite distance, although it is a wary one. I don’t know his exact feelings, but if he is anything like me, he is ready to throw manners to the wind and say and do some things he might later regret. My question, dear Trixie, is this: why is he being invited to the same gatherings when everyone knows how volatile he is?
—Wesley Bieglehole III, DDS

Dear Wes:
I can think of nothing so wonderful to break up the tedium of a staid business gathering than a fistfight between grown-up professionals. There is something deliciously wicked about watching two men in good suits swinging each other around a room by the lapels and crashing into snack tables. I believe he is being invited for the same reason you are being invited – it’s highly entertaining and cheaper than paying a jazz combo.
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DEAR TRIXIE:
My husband is a lifelong smoker. I have put up with it for the last 30 years, and now I’m done. I have developed allergies, and the cigarette smoke really affects me. I told him he has to start smoking outside.
He was quite irritated. What is it going to take to get my husband to quit smoking in the house?
—LSMFT

Dear LSMFT:
Terminal cancer.

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