by Steve Clem on May 15, 2009

As I mentioned in my previous blog entry, The Hickey Date, I’ve had my share of online dating over the last 3 years since my divorce.

There are some very important tips that you should follow if you are about to venture out into the cyberworld of matchmaking. Here are my top 5 online dating tips:

5 – Never agree to go on a date with someone who has more pictures of their pets on their profile than of themselves. Let’s face it…if they have that many pics of Fido, they are either a) a person who treats their pet like a child, a big red flag, or b) a person who looks worse than their drooling bulldog…a ginormous red flag.

4 – “That’s an old picture of me. I don’t look anything like that anymore.” Um, hello? Then why do you have it posted? NEXT! People using old photos on their profile are either saying “this is when I looked my best, 6 years ago” or “I can’t afford a digital camera or I don’t have a friend with a digital camera, therefore, I am not worthy of your time.”

3 – If you show up and you notice an Adam’s Apple on Tiffany, you are fully authorized to fake a heart attack to get out of your date. This rule is recognized in over 36 nation states currently.

2 – Talk on the phone with your potential date before the actual meeting. I learned this the hard way. I had been emailing a woman that I seemed to be getting along great with, and we agreed to meet. We never spoke on the phone before that date. I showed up, and as she spoke, I could hear her voice combining one of Marge Simpson’s sisters with Fat Albert. Do. Not. Want.

1 – Use creative wordplay on your dating profile to lure the women in for dates. An example: “Activities: Currently unemployed and staying home playing video games all day drinking beer” becomes “Economically self-sufficient man taking stock of his life and exploring his options.” Or “Lazy fat guy seeks sugar mama” becomes “Artistic soul in search of a woman who has it all, but needs companionship and love.” It’s not that hard. Give it a try.

Happy dating!

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Steve Clem originally published this piece on the blog A Prisoner in the Tundra.

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